Men need other men. We need to get together, share, talk, confide, connect. We need rituals to pass milestones in our lives. We need a tribe of men around us. To be men. Not to apologize for who we are. But to celebrate. To honour ourselves as men. To vent our problems. To share our pain. To acknowledge our achievements. To hold each other accountable.
We need best friends.
When I was in grade 6, I remember being asked to hang out by a friend from school. Calling me. "Hey, want to come over?" I would come up with various tactics to avoid going, delaying, distracting, "Um, sure, well, I have this thing. Ok, well, I'll call you back in a bit. Actually, no, I'm doing something else." And I never went. Ever.
This happened for twenty years.
Right through high school. All the way through University. And the calls started to slow down. And then stop completely. Because I never went. And I was afraid. I was afraid of other men. And I would surround myself with women. Women were safe. I would hang out with women. They were on-side. But other men were a threat. Competition. Not to be trusted. I learned that early on. Passed on through the generations.
So let's break the inheritance.
Men, get out there and ask another man to get together. Have a beer. Go for a walk. Go bowling? Play hockey. Watch hockey. Fix something. Hunt something. Take pictures of stars. Build something. Play poker. Do something. Together. With another man. Reach out. And wives. Partners. Let them go. Encourage them to go. Support the going. It will be worth it. Many times over.
I have always admired women. I've often considered them much better versions of human beings than men. In this time and place of history, they appear to me, for the most part to be better suited for life. Over the last several years as I've taken on more 'manly' roles and skills on the farm and developed relationships with similar 'modern' men my own identity as a man has grown and developed alongside my more effeminate qualities. I've become a person who is very confidently male. I no longer believe that women are 'better' human beings, rather I feel now that too many of us men are not fulfilling our potential as human beings.
ReplyDeleteMen (especially young men) are in deep need of male leadership. But this is a male leadership that embraces all that it means to be a human being including our wonderful feminine capacities for expression, compassion, yielding and care alongside our masculine qualities. I'm always trying to be the leadership that teaches strength through vulnerability. And there are fewer places better for developing holistic men to find that particular masculine vulnerability than within the community of support that male bonds can create.
The recipe seems to be familiarity, followed by a risk taken by expressing vulnerability, followed by care which becomes greater trust, which when repeated becomes a beautiful masculine love for other. We should get together, have fun together, build bonds together and one day that trust will be there when we need to do the hard thing and be vulnerable with other men.
Mike, thanks for being an example of beautiful masculinity for me!